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Through My Looking Glasses
|by Gaurang Bhatt, MD|
It is always refreshing and calming to all of us, to see our fearless leaders encouraging us to live unafraid normal lives, as they cower under their desks, instead of sitting behind them. Most Americans are completely ignorant of the sophisticated strategy behind the astute thinking of our Commander-in-Chief.
I am fortunate to have fortuitously acquired second sight, when I bought a pair of bifocals on a visit to Scotland. On the same trip my elderly relative in India insisted on giving me some bottles of patent alternative medicine. When my physician friend asked me about these nostrums-nostra, I said Nostra, damn us and immediately depending on whether I looked through the upper or lower lenses, I could see the future or the past. Of course every action has a reaction, and I am now completely blind and oblivious of the present, but who cares. This is why I can give you some details from second Bu-sh-library historical documents. The strategy, various options and reasons are given below.
Of course my memory gets hazy as I return to the present, so I cannot totally vouch for the complete accuracy of all the data or analysis. The President wants to capture the Mazar-e-Sharif airbase in Afghanistan, so that Air force one can be diverted to a safe runaway, in case the terrorists attack the US mainland. The Secret Service suggested bombing Hawaii, to kill all the Middle Eastern types, who may have infiltrated the country, but the President felt, he wouldn't know what to say, because FDR has used up the best lines for a speech for that kind of event and Hawaii is vulnerable to an attack from the sea, while Mazar-e-Sharif is completely inaccessible by sea. Furthermore it has been done before and he wants to be original. He felt that the collateral benefit of the operation Major-Sheriff, as he decided to name it, would be well furnished bombproof caves where Dick Cheney and congress could safely hide and work. They do work better in the dark, ever since they learnt that sunshine is hazardous to their skin and
The Joint Chiefs of Staff made a suggestion, that the executive and legislative branches of the government could be parachuted into Afghanistan as special operation forces to conquer the Taliban. Their gas masks would cover their faces and thus they would be unlikely to arouse any lustful feelings in the Taliban. Some house members liked the idea of incognito liaisons, but the possibility of being buried alive (standard punishment for sexual transgressions) makes the whole process too dangerous for elected government officials. The process of doing work was unacceptable, as the four- letter word, they feel comfortable with ends in a k, but it is definitely not work.
Some think tanks suggested that the government branches could be airdropped as suicide bombers and thus we would win the war and have fiscal discipline in the country, as a collateral benefit. The congressional chaplain vetoed the idea as being un-Islamic and since we are a secular country, it is impossible to override religious considerations. We could have appealed to the Supreme Court for a decision, but with Justice O'Connor on vacation, the court deadlocks 4-4 on everything. They also realized that Colin Powell or some other general had been talking too long with Musharraf, who had been giving America some ideas from personal experience.
Finally the idiot savants, who run our foreign policy came up with the brilliant solution to weaken the Taliban and make them part of the governing coalition. A President Bush has done this before, in Iraq. It has been brilliantly successful. We cannot fund abortions, by law, in foreign countries, so why not cause death of children by acceptable Christian methods. Even a democratic President has used this method of birth control by destroying pharmaceutical factories in Sudan and for the diversion of the congress and the public.
It is a historical shame that Churchill did not get the brilliant idea of making a deal with the moderate Nazis. So we decided to stick to the true and the tried. We got into bed with the military dictatorship of Pakistan, which has created the terrorist problem. Ah well! A known devil is better than an unknown devil and we do love to sup with devils!
The President's economic advisors immediately pointed out the immense benefit of this new alliance.
It is bound to eliminate the Taliban middlemen and will allow individual capitalistic opium farmers and the hoarding kingpins of Pakistan to flood the market and cause a significant drop in the price of heroin, a key item of weekly US household consumption. This alone should keep inflation in check. It is only a matter of time before California votes yes on a referendum to transfer all the three branches of the US government to take charge in Afghanistan. This will improve the climate in both countries and I say why shouldn't our government officials promoted to the level of their own incompetence. I recollect some such statement by pundits, that every time a Scot migrates to England, it improves the average IQ of both regions!
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