Random Thoughts

Mahishi, mea Culpa

I know that my title does not compare historically with the one word urgent message which the British general, Napier, supposedly sent to the Governor General of the East India Company in the 1840s, after taking over the province of Sindh from its Muslim ruler, even though it was rascally, and not cricket. His message reflecting his classical education in Latin, was “Peccavi”, which literally translates as “I have sinned”. The British are equal opportunity oppressors and never discriminated against anyone. They enslaved Africans, bombed Germans, Kenyans, Arabs and Afghans from planes, machine-gunned  Sudanese armed with spears, bows, swords, and rare muskets, killed Boer women and children in concentration camps, starved, killed and maltreated Indians, decimated the American Indians, sold  narcotics to the Chinese, deported hungry British children to Australia for stealing a loaf of bread, tortured the Irish and Malaysian freedom fighters, shot Tasmanian natives for sport and indulged in sundry genocides under the pretext of commerce, civilization and Christianity.

Since my education is not as thorough, my title is a mixture of Sanskrit and Latin, but equally a double entendre for the titular head of a British government. Why British? Because the original idea came from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who with his fondness for practical jokes, sent telegrams saying “All is discovered” to a number of British politicians and pillars of society and discovered on the next day that all had left Britain overnight.

My story begins with my trying out my 4G phone and newest  wi-fi and universal connectivity. I kind of felt guilty for having  neglected god and avoided checking on him. I dialed and after a while received a recorded message saying that the number was not in service and the calls were being taken by 900-HELP-GOD at $1.99 a minute. I put the phone down and almost gave up because of the charge per minute, but in view of his prior goodness dialed god despite the expense. It turned out to be a nursing home and I was finally connected to him and frantically asked what happened?

He told me there had been a coup and General Satan had taken over and his position was the same as that of Obama who had been marginalized by the Pentagon and Petraeus. God  reminisced about the old days and his absolute power which he used to burn Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, flood the earth, throw Christians to the lions, burn Protestants at the stake, chopped off the hands of thieves and stoned adulterers. He told me, he had even  nailed his own son to the cross to atone for others sins and not to be outdone by  Suleyman the magnificent, of the Ottomans. He said Obama and Karzai must feel like the later Arab Caliphs who were titular heads, while the real power rested with the Turkish  Sultans who ruled all the parts of the empire except the capital, Baghdad. He lamented that nowadays he was allowed to bomb, flood or quake, only Pakistan, Iran, Somalia, Yemen, Indonesia and sundry Central American countries, and thus his punitive jurisdiction was restricted only to the chosen people and he was castrated to the power level of the Old Testament, instead of being the god of all peoples. He hated this limitation of his power to spread pain and unhappiness universally. This was contrary to the Constitution which expressly proclaimed that all torturees are created equal and that they are endowed by their creator to inalienable rights of death, bondage, the pursuit of unhappiness and wiretapping. 

I had to do something to cheer the old man, who was older than Methuselah and suggested repeating a variant of the Conan Doyle prank, not being a cosmetic surgeon, I couldn’t make him look better and god would not be covered by health insurance till 2013 and not even then if the Tea Party or Republicans won the November elections.  I said we would send identical bogus messages to the leaders of the US, Japan, India, and Pakistan. I took a piece of scrap paper and started writing –

Tremble and Obey  

At that point before I could write the message my calling card ran out of money and I was disconnected. Unfortunately the NSA had been listening to my conversation and one of their half-witted wicked Wikileak moles for the obstructionist Republican Party decided to preempt my practical joke and leaked my message, simply consisting of those three words to the respective leaders. Even an aging dethroned god has plenty of power just like America with a ruined economy and losing two wars at one time, and god called me up about the mishap and I told him to put a round the clock surveillance on the four leaders who were sent the short meaningless message. Below are the results.

Obama, on receiving the message promptly called all his Wall Street contributors and friendly bank robbers and asked them whether they had sent him a message on his nutberry. When they said they hadn’t, he fretted and fumed and tried to locate the sender. It was his frustration which resulted in him and his minions demanding more surveillance of the internet and media involved in social communications. He wanted to cover all bases and that was why Lawrence Summers was probably given a choice to commit “harakiri” or to leave, so as not to threaten the Chinese. He also tried his best to persuade the Congress not to pass a bill declaring the Chinese as currency manipulators and impose any tariffs on Chinese imports. Anyway  he cancelled the joint exercises with South Korea in the international waters of the China Sea and promptly reaffirmed that the two Koreas would remain permanently divided. He was not as stupid as Nehru, who saw no danger in China’s takeover of Tibet and becoming an immediate neighbor and threat to India. By the way for those of you who cannot understand why China refused to condemn North Korea for sinking the South Korean naval vessel and supports Kim Jong Il and the anointing of his son as the new leader, it is because China does not want American troops at its border with a united Korea.

The Japanese prime minister who had survived an internal revolt called up the members of the “Keidanren” (Business association), Yakuza (Japanese Mafia) and Obama in decreasing order of thuggishness and when none of them admitted to sending a message, he promptly got the message and immediately released the Chinese fishing boat captain whom they were holding for ramming into a Japanese Coastguard patrol boat and fishing in disputed waters. He has now had a nervous breakdown on being unable to decide whether he should apologize to China for Chinese transgressions committed against Japan. He is now so depressed that he can’t even beat up other Asians to create an empire of Greater Co-prosperity by enslaving poor and weaker Asians.

The Pakistani prime minister checked whether the Taliban, Army, Allah or Americans had sent the message and all refused, so he promptly surrendered Gilgit and Baltistan to China in addition to previously surrendered parts of Kashmir and Ladakh. And sought asylum in France to live and enjoy in his French chateau and drink French wine like a devout Muslim. Without having to wear a covering Burkha to hide his identity.

The Indian prime minister once again checked whether Sonia Gandhi, his campaign contributors or America had sent the message and when they refused, he immediately threatened to block blavk berry and promptly cancelled road and rail building in areas disputed by China, stopped all purchases for the Indian armed forces and promptly ordered his education lackey (slave of a slave) to issue an edict to make teaching Mandarin compulsory and mandatory in all state schools to make it easier for China to absorb the rest of India.

And I thought that politicians the world over, are idiots and only a few persons like me knew right away that the standard phrase for every Ming emperor of China to begin any communication to anyone was “tremble and obey”. Serves me right for my hubris in underestimating the leaders of world nations, just because they are not vertebrates and thus spineless pieces of quivering blubber. I should have known better as a neurologist that even our human brains are quivering blobs of jelly and intelligence and courage are carried on separate genes and independently assorted and inherited, following Mendel’s laws.

I am sorry for having caused so much turmoil in the world but I did it to cheer up a depressed god. In the remote event that any member of the US or any intelligence service reads my article, I want them to know that this is a mere satirical and humorous figment of my imagination and not to be used as a confession in a kangaroo court of an idiot  tyrant’s choosing and note that all Mahishis are not queens and not all mea culpas confessions of guilt! At times they are meant to convey satire and ridicule power.


More by :  Gaurang Bhatt, MD

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