Society & Lifestyle
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|by Nikhil Sharda|
India is developing at such an astonishing rate that if Anna Nicole Smith were alive her tits would have exclaimed, “Jeez! And we thought we were developed!” Technology, entertainment, literature, lovemaking positions, morality, tolerance, you name it we top it.
If there was anything that was holding us down it was probably the fact that we hadn’t done anything extraordinary in the field of medicine; some discovery, some cure, or, perhaps, the shattering of some mistaken theory that the world of medicine all over had been embracing as true all this time. But, thanks to the Government Medical College Hospital (MCH) in Kolkata (Calcutta) we have finally broken that jinx. The hospital made the groundbreaking discovery that a certain type of AIDS is, in fact, transmitted by the patient breathing on or by just looking at another person continuously, without blinking, for seven minutes and twenty-two seconds. And it was because of that reason that they threw an AIDS patient, named Kno Mani, out of their hospital and refused to even go near him, finally catalyzing his death.
Kno Mani, after he was diagnosed as HIV +, first went to a place called the School Of Tropical Medicine (STM) in Kolkata, where he was asked to go to MCH instead since, apparently, that was the day STM staff members had kept apart to hand-clean each other’s bowels. So the AIDS patient, Kno Mani, and his wife, without any consideration to the people on the streets, walked exhaling their contaminated air frequently towards MCH. The employees at MCH, thanks to their trained eyes, were able to intuit that the patient had to be dealt with delicately. Kno Mani and his wife went straight to the Emergency Ward and requested to get hospitalized. The authorities screamed at Kno Mani to keep his distance and not come any closer. After wearing their spacesuits, welding masks, and their virus-reflecting pink panties they approached Kno Mani and told him there was no bed available for him.
Kno Mani: But I saw a man in an executive suit arriving with a sprained little finger, accompanied by his seven relatives. They all seem to have got their own beds.
MCH (bravely maintaining their stance): I’m sorry, Kno Mani, No Bed.
Kno Mani and his wife, once again, without any sense of social responsibility, walked back to STM with the selfish desire to receive some sort of medical treatment or at least a free glass of water (Oh, the human greed!). However, by the time they reached STM it was already the next day and that was, incidentally, STM’s eat-your-neighbor’s-puke day.
So, Kno Mani and his wife, the opportunists that they were, returned to MCH breathing out into the normal people’s atmosphere while they trundled along. By this time MCH had called for backup and their expert doctors were already waiting for Kno Mani’s return. Kno Mani and his wife, shamelessly, repeated their plea. But the strong will and the indestructible conviction of the doctors shone through.
Kno Mani: Why can’t you help me, please? I can barely breathe. Please, help me.
MCH: I’m sorry, Kno Mani, No Treatment.
Unfortunately, after being pressurized by a group of no good ogres (NGO) the hospital had to finally give in and find a discarded corner to accommodate Kno Mani and his wife. However, the combined plan of MCH and STM to make Kno Mani walk back and forth, and thus deprive him of his already weak breathing, slowly began showing its effect.
Thankfully, they retrieved the corner quite soon as Kno Mani died a couple of days later. However, the extensive research that MCH had done, with the assistance of the bowelgroping, puke-eating STM showed that it was from the corpse of an AIDS patient that one was most likely to contract the disease. So, as a quarantine measure, every single one of them refused to even go near the body let alone remove it from its spot. Instead, the authorities felt it was more advisable if they hired a bunch of homeless kids to move the body.
Later, at a press conference, MCH authorities talked about the strange case of AIDS that Kno Mani had.
MCH: This isn’t the first time that we have had someone with this particular condition. There have been reports of similar cases in the past. And at all times, we have strictly followed the official hospital code of not giving a shit. What common people fail to understand is that there are two types of AIDS Type R and Type P. Type R stands for Rich AIDS and Type P stands for Poor AIDS. Unfortunately, Kno Mani was suffering from a severe case of Type P AIDS. There was nothing that we could do for him except keep him as far away from us as possible.
The doctors also talked about their latest project where they would do extensive study to try and prove that cancer can be contracted through forwarding email attachments.
Suddenly, I feel a lot safer living in our nation.
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12/15/2012 04:27 AM