Random Thoughts

Sons as Lovers

" I want you to be the mother of my children" Yogi said very meaningfully.

" Where did you get that clich'd line from? It's disgusting!" I retorted.

Yogi laughed " So you won't fall for that line?"

" Of course I won't but if you use such horrendous language again, I will most certainly fall out with you". I said with effect.

" What about living together?"

"Why aren't we doing just that ' you in my house twelve days, I, in yours the next seven and again, you in mine and then again I in yours'it's unending!"

" Getting tired?" he asked

" Awfully! Can't we just move into a space next to each other? Like you in your flat and I in mine, adjoining"?

" What a brilliant idea! Let's go for it!"

It gave us space. We didn't have to meet everyday and we didn't have to mate ever so often. It was now a very comfortable togetherness. I need a lot of time and space to myself. Often it is so much that the other might begin to think, I have dropped out. Unless of course, they value their own aloneness.

Thankfully, Yogi is that kind of a man. Sometimes he prefers to work 48 hours at a stretch and then fade out for the next 36 hours. Now that we live next to each other, we are in our own spaces and meet occasionally. Then, it is really good. Separating has helped our relationship grow stronger because when we are not together, we are able to fill our cups with our own energies. It's so necessary to brim over before we can give of ourselves. Now, when we meet, its real quality. We are there just for each other. Sharing has finally become such a profound experience.

No, Yogi is not one of those strong-bodied men, who tend to give you that feeling of power and strength you think you can depend on. At least that is the perception. So you surrender to him, as his muscles remind you of the men you read about in Mills & Boons. No, Yogi is slight bodied and tender. I love it when he nestles up to me, I can just hold him in my arms and his body moves and fits around my every emotion when I hold him close to me. No resistance at all. His body trusts me completely. It is such a lovely feeling, I can't put it in words. We don't even need to look at each other when we talk at these times ' words are sounds, even noise, the real communication is happening at a very different level.

Yogi is so open, as most men in my life have been. When he and I met first at a common friend's place, there was a click in the air. I swear! When we decided to see each other I thought that the inevitable was only around the corner and I couldn't ever, ever open myself up to any lover without being honest about my choices. So one day, while we were walking in the rain, I said to him, " Yogi, I want you to know, I love women as well and if I come across one, even when we are together, I am not going to stop my heart if she is willing and ready. So think about it. You are free to make your choice especially since we haven't risked our emotions and our bodies at deeper levels"

I was a bit shaky about his response. I loved him so. What if he decides not to? But! I would never be with a man or a woman without opening up first. I can't live lies at such close quarters and I really don't need to. I can risk everything to be my truth.

Yogi proved very accommodating and he was really happy I had been so honest. Our relation was pitched on really good grounds of mutual respect from then on and we were drawn even closer. So now when he asked me about this office romance, I was having, I was not afraid to tell.

Yes, there is a woman I am terribly attracted to in my office. She knows it. I have told her in so many words. We work sometimes sixteen hours together and there is no let up. You go home to sleep and bark at everyone around or if you are alone and all by yourself, you are exhausted when you arrive home. You simply open the refrigerator and just grab some milk and get under covers. Where is the time to socialize or meet friends or even meet Yogi? Things like this are bound to happen!

" So what about that office romance you are having?" he asked me two nights ago.

" Having?! It's just chugging along as slow as slow can be. Nothing has happened really!"

" What! I don't believe it." He said looking up at me through a really close hug " It's been months! Nothing? Absolutely nothing?!"

" Cross my heart, nothing!" I said dryly

" So, is it off then?"

" Not really!"

" What is she saying?"

" The usual. Julia I really like your company. You make me laugh. But I am not like "that". I am heterosexual and all that kind of stuff"

" Fair enough! So what are you going to do? There is all this passion and stuff to cope with. Won't it be better to leave the job?"

" How weird can you get! Can a larger picture be overcast by relatively small one? The lady in question might be on my mind but my job is larger than she can ever be."

" But sexual desires are like wild horses! They can drag you to places you never believed you could have gone."

" I know, Yogi but I haven't been meditating for the last sixteen years all for nothing!"

" So are you saying, you are not going to '?"

" Yup! I am saying I am not going to." I gathered Yogi up like a soft toy and gave him a tight squeeze. " We are going to be best friends. I am going to harness that wild horse and make him serve my interests. I might burn with passion and writhe for her in bed, but I am finally going to use all this energy that is coming up in me to fuel my creativity and increase our bonding as friends."

Yogi smiled and ruffled the top of my head. " You can also make love to me when the going gets tough!" he said with a naughty smile. " I am all yours"

" Tried. Tested. Failed! Never go out with a woman when you want a man, and never go out with a man if you are thinking of a woman. It just does not work for you. Besides, why should I mix up things? You are special in your own way and she is in her own way."

" Wonder why the women are so afraid of opening themselves up to other experiences?" Yogi said thoughtfully.

" Because they say they can't feel that way with a woman." I replied

" Is it social conditioning?" he was curious

" A woman can conclude that if she is aware that she feels a block somewhere. But if she does not, then she is not even ready to look into it I suppose. I don't really know Yogi, since it is not my experience".

The night was getting older. This was not meant to be a night for discussing women. Change the frame. Get to the here and now. So what the hell, Yogi is so smooth to touch, so gentle, I can reach unknown depths the moment I become aware of his skin on mine.

Unfinished karma, that woman on my mind. There's no other way to explain why you may go to a certain place in complete innocence and return home with a woman on your mental screen.

At least let me not lose this moment with Yogi. I don't want another unfinished karma because I was thinking of someone else.

The here-now is all I care for now.   


More by :  Julia Dutta

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