It was evening by the time Suvarna reached her hut. She had left in the morning to work as a coolie at a building site. Her two children who were playing in the dirt ran to her on seeing her. “I told you that you should be reading and writing till I came. Why are you playing?” she asked them annoyed but held them close to her lovingly.

She washed her feet, lighted the kitchen fire and arranged the children’s books in order. She swept the floor and started cleaning rice for cooking.

Bhagyarekha who lived a few streets away came asking why she was late that day.

Suvarna wanted to tell her that the new head-worker was teasing her but on second thoughts desisted from telling her so.

“Hari Babu came for you. He sat in our house for a while as you were not available. He left half an hour ago,” informed Bhagyarekha.

Suvarna cursed the head-worker who teased her for more than half-an hour. Hari Babu came after a long time – after three years. Because of the head-worker, she could not meet him and lost the opportunity. She herself had distanced Hari Babu from her. She did not know whether what she did was a sacrifice or a feeling of helplessness. She felt pained now. Yet, she was sure she did the right thing.

“Did he say anything?” Suvarna asked without revealing her joy.

"'I’ll come again. Ask her to stay at home,' he instructed and left,” said Bhagyarekha.

“Did he treat my children affectionately?”

“Yes. He called the children who were playing in the dust. He talked to them for a while and gave them money to buy what they wanted. He gave me this amount for the school fee of the children and these Jasmines”, said Bhagyarekha. She gave the money to Suvarna and left.

The children sat before the lamp to study.

Suvarna cooked food and bathed. She wore the best saree she had. Except one or two, all her sarees were second hand sarees. But strangely, she looked attractive whatever saree she wore. Particularly the serene expression on her face and a hint of a smile that spoke of the rounded completeness of her personality, easily held the attention of people.

‘Hari Babu,’ she sighed.

Hari Babu worked as a supervisor in an apartment construction company for some time. Suvarna came to know of him at the construction site.

Hari Babu! He was a beautiful dream in her life. He was a sacred being in her imaginary world. The dream grew old and began to fade. Suvarna reminisced.

On meeting her for the first time he had told her that there were blossomed flowers in her smile. She smiled again. “When you smile melodious musical notes are heard in my heart,” he had said.

“I wonder how I could be alive all these days without your acquaintance, Suvarna,”.

She smiled again and he adjusted the ringlets of her hair.

“I can’t imagine life without you”

“I am with you now”

“I need you”

“I am yours. When did I say ‘no’?”

“You should be mine for ever.”

“I’ve been with you whenever you wanted.”

“Let’s marry and leave this place.”

“Hari Babu! I’ll come to you whenever you want me. Why talk of marriage?”

“That’s not it, Suvarna. I will get authority over you only after marriage. My life will also get settled.”

“Hari Babu! If we marry and you gain your right over me, I may not be needed by you so much as now. You may get disinterested in me within a short time. Like all husbands you may hold your sway on me and love may be lost.”

“Suvarna! Do you equate me with all husbands?!” He got annoyed.

“No. you are my Hari Babu. You are my dream world.”

“Suvarna! Your love should be flowing eternally for me, on me!”

They had embraced each other.

 “Suvarna! You are my only love. I know none else.”

“Hari Babu! You know I am married. I have a son.”

“Let it be so. But let us get away from here and marry. Your son will be with us.”

Suvarna postponed marriage by giving him some excuse or the other. He felt annoyed and disappointed.

Days passed. Her husband kept beating and abusing her. She bore them for Hari Babu’s sake. Why did she not get rid of him? His smile was  sweet and pure like  jasmine. His heart was filled with true love. There was no lust in his eyes but his love was like the life-giving oasis in a desert.

Why did she not go away with him? He was her life. She was anxious that he should not experience the thorns of life. Will his life sail smoothly if he eloped with a married woman? That was her fear. Her previous experience terrified her.

Her husband, was he a husband at all? He was running a tea shop. She got acquainted with him when he frequented the tea shop. He was married and had children.

She knew all about him and yet fell into his trap. Did he throw the net or did she yield to him because of circumstances? She wanted a male companion. She needed protection from others.

How many nights she had kept crying! Could she now cry at all?! Father could not celebrate her elder sister’s marriage. He could not buy a husband for her sister when men got sold like cattle. Father had to work as a textile mill worker giving up his profession which did not feed him. He had two children. For some years things ran smoothly. Then the mill was closed down. Thousands of workers lost their livelihood. Their family also suffered. The place where they were born could give them nothing. They could not save anything at the new place to which they went. They moved and migrated.

Father took up tailoring on a small scale. What he earned was not sufficient for their food. Where was the question of saving? Movement from place to place…..

Her elder sister waited for her father to perform her marriage and at twenty five she eloped. She had her doubts that the man she chose may leave her to her fate soon. Yet she took the decision. She did not see them again after leaving them. She lived alone for six months after he left her. She started going to lodges whenever a call came. After two years she lived with another man. He had children and was a slave to vices. He used to pester her for money. She had to visit the lodges. She tried to leave him after she had two children. But he did not allow her to leave him. She was earning money everyday.

Suvarna realised that her father could not celebrate her marriage. Then there was the stigma of her sister’s elopement. Her mother knew about her affairs but could do nothing about it. She eloped with Sekhar. He was a good person but life tempted him. He knew that her parents would be helpless if he left her in the lurch. Sekhar told her about his parents and sister and his fears about their life. He said he would spend a few days with them and return. She knew that he would not return. He married a girl who brought him dowry. With that money he celebrated his sister’s marriage. After Sekhar left her she managed to make a living all by herself. Then she met Suribabu. Now Sekhar was a big man. But he cannot show her his face. As Sekhar was a good man she expected that he would make her his second wife. But he moved about avoiding her. Now if she left with Hari Babu, she was afraid that the old story may repeat itself. She did not want to face that situation. The force of circumstances would make Hari Babu also act like Sekhar. He will be attracted towards his new wife. That thought made her reject his offer.

She was by then the second wife of Suribabu. To add to it the difficulties poverty created for her. Then there were the restrictions and limitations a woman’s life entailed. Now she was a married woman and had a hut. She had a little place all for herself in the town.

She could not overcome her difficulties. Suribabu did not give a paisa at home. He knocked off what little she earned. She could not but go for work, go to lodges. She was called only when a family type was required.

Her decision to live by physical labour alone did not fructify. If she went to work at construction sites she had problems from the head-workers. The wages were also low. If she wanted wages to be paid everyday she had to yield to the advances made by men. She preferred satisfying the individual customers who paid her well than get far less by working hard the whole day. She had to keep working as a coolie at construction sites to win the esteem of society.

Hari babu entered her life when  she was working at a building site. He was an innocent man. She used to hug him as she hugged her children to her heart. As days passed he developed his ideals.

“Suvarna! How long will you continue living this aimless life? Should your life be reduced to this wretched level simply because your father could not give dowry to a groom? Let’s marry, Suvarna!”

“Hari Babu! I hate people who sympathies me and my condition. Don’t marry me feeling pity for me.”

“Suvarna! Not with pity. I ask you because I love you. You gave life to me, to me who was leading an aimless life. Let us marry. No one depends on me. My brothers are employed and earn. My parents live with them. We will be free birds.”

“Hari Babu! I will not be able to bear if I am left a destitute as Sekhar did. The reason for Sekhar to distance himself from me was his marriage. He  snatched away the meaning of my life. If he had not married he would not have been branded a cheat. He would have kept meeting me as a friend. I do not wish to lose you in that way. I need your affection. I must possess the feeling that you are mine wherever you are. You should always remain a good man,” said Suvarna smiling, suppressing all her agony in her heart.

From that day onwards Hari Babu grew serious–minded giving up his playful nature.

“Suvarna! Why do you talk of things when I say that we should marry? Don’t you feel happy with me? Does he make you feel happier?”

Suvarna sobbed. “Hari Babu! Happiness does not lie in sex. Satisfaction has something to do with the heart. When two hearts meet satisfaction and happiness are attained and that feeling conquers every other thing. The heart bleeds when the inner satisfaction has not been achieved inspite of mere sex. The love you have extended to me will not be forgotten by me in my life. The moments we spent together are the most beautiful and blissful moments of my life. These memories will be cherished by me all my life.”

“If so, why do you reject marriage?”

“Hari Babu! I am older than you in age. I have seen the world. I don’t know for how long you will be enamoured of me. I am afraid you too will change after fulfilling your desire. I can’t think of you as a bad man. Unlike Sekhar, my memories of you should remain ideal. You should marry a girl you like, whom your parents like. You should see me in her. I should have a place in your heart unknown to others.”

“Suvarna! What is it you talk? I love you. If at all I marry, I’ll marry you.”

There was a heated discussion. Hari Babu got very angry with Suvarna for treating him as an innocent man and for her moralising.

“Do you possess any sense at all? Do you think I am a kid. Do you consider my love for you something like the game  children play? Tell me whether you agree to marry me.” Hari Babu spoke in a severe tone. He raised his hand to hit her in his impatience. Whenever Suribabu raised his hand, she trembled. When Hari Babu raised his hand she felt happy. How good it would be if he slapped her cheeks! The raised hand was the evidence of his love for her. Hari Babu controlled himself and lowered his hand. She was disappointed that he did not hit her.

“Hari Babu! Let your love for me remain in your heart for ever. Let me be a lovely dream in your reminiscences. When did I say ‘no’ to you?”

Days rolled by. Suribabu hated the second son because he did not resemble him. She knew that she wanted to convert Hari Babu into a child as part of her life. That Hari Babu himself should change into a boy and play in her lap, that she should suckle him. “Little” Hari Babu will be the emblem of their love.

“This fellow is my son. You yourself as my son…….” She smiled mischievously.

She knew how much Hari Babu grew in his own estimation at the birth of his son. How much his heart over- flowed with the joy of self-confidence.

Hari Babu gave up his job in the building construction company. He secured a better job. He left the town. His visits grew less.

He became a father within a year of his marriage.

How strange was his behaviour on the day his life took a new turn!

“Suvarna! You gave me life. You gave me self confidence. I can’t forget your help in my life. 

“You are the queen of my heart. You are the noble person who shared your love and made me a human being from my desultory life,” he had said and fallen prostrate at her feet.

“What’s this Hari Babu! What are you doing? Why do you compare me, a woman who lost her chastity, with deities? It is wrong to do so,” she said raising him up.

“Suvarna! I am offering obeisance to my goddess! I fall prostrate before my deity,” he had said and again touched her feet with tears in his eyes. But they were tears of joy. He told her that he had been taken as a working partner in a company that built apartments. She felt happy. He brought new clothes to her and the children.

When Hari Babu grew distant from her, Suribabu’s violence increased on her. As long as Hari Babu kept coming to her, Suribabu controlled himself with the fear that she might run away with him.

Suribabu got his children by his wife admitted in a private school and the children born to Suvarna in a government school. Though he put them in a school, he made them work as cleaners in a hotel. Suvarna could do nothing except curse him and cry for her fate.

A glow and a chapter in her life ended. The children were growing. They were her hope. What will they say when they come of age? Will Suribabu leave her by then? She told him with all definiteness that she would not go to the lodges. That she would not give him money, that she would educate her children and not send them to the hostel. With that Suribabu made his visits to her less frequent.

Now she passed through a phase of loneliness when she could not share her problems and difficulties with anyone else. Sometimes she wondered whether she had committed a mistake by distancing herself from Hari Babu. Was it love? Sacrifice? Helplessness? How would it have been if she had married him? Perhaps her life would not have been so distressful. Even if he had left her, perhaps there might have been a chance to live on his name, as his wife. Did she destroy the opportunity of his calling her mother and father as mother-in-law and father-in-law! Were they not fortunate to be called so by him? Had they sinned so much to be deprived of such a privilege? Her father’s sight had grown weak. He was not able to continue his tailoring job successfully. If she had married Hari Babu, he would have made her father at least a watchman at some site…….., father! how unfortunate you are! You are unfortunate in not getting called ‘father-in-law’, she said to herself. 

She should discuss with  Hari Babu many issues. The children should be put in a different school. New clothes should be purchased. She must ask him whether he would help her financially to some extent. She must learn how it was possible to build a bridge between love and reality. He had said he would marry her. Now he had children. She should ask him whether he would take her atlest as his mistress. She should ask him whether he was prepared to call her mother and father as mother-in-law and father-in-law. It would be enough if he gave her a chance to live on his name. He need not fend her. She would live by working as a coolie. If he agreed to her proposal she would ask her parents to live with her. If he agreed…… if he accepted…….it was enough……..

The children slept off without eating food. She adorned her head with the jasmines given by Bhagyarekha. She waited for Hari Babu.

If Hari Babu did not respond to her wish of living on his name!. It was better if Hari Babu did not turn up than being told by him that her proposal was not to his liking. At least she would be left with the option of dreaming about her desires and hopes. Hari Babu would come. He had to come. He would agree. Even if he did not agree to her idea, she would live by herself on his name. Her second son 'Chinna' was the evidence of her desire. What was the need for someone else to give the evidence?

She half closed the door and took a nap. She slept off the night. Hari Babu did not come. It was morning. Hari Babu did not visit her. Suvarna got up. A sweet dream melted away. A hope got erased. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Hari Babu could not come because of some urgent work. Suvarna was awaiting him expecting him to come sometime in the night. How difficult it was to live without some hope! She thought that her hope should not end in despair.

Days passed. Suvarna  awaited his arrival thinking that he should not come. She thought that things took the present shape as she desired to live on his name. Hereafter she should not ask him anything. She should not get disappointed having asked. She should not expect anything from him. The sweet memories should remain for ever a pleasant dream. Let him not come. Suvarna conditioned her mind to the fact that her dreams and hopes should not get erased. Yet she kept on waiting for Hari Babu. The flow of her love for him kept running in the form of tears – into a rivulet. Before the children woke up in the mornings she cried in great agony, “mother! O father! Why did my life take this course? Should lives be scarified for the inability to shell down dowries? The man who closed down the mill is prospering. No one could do anything against him. Father! Mother! Why did you give birth to me?….” Bhagyarekha came now and then and wiped her tears.

There was at least one person, Bhagyarekha, to console Suvarna. Who was there to console Bhagyarekha? Her tears got dried up. The world did not know that the two were sisters. They were living without knowing the truth. If they came to know of it-many problems would arise…… Bhagyarekha desired that Suvarna’s dreams should come true. Though she knew that she would be disappointed, Suvarna was not able to give up her hope…  

Read a review on the story by Prof. Dr. K. Ram Kishore