The Great Indian Political Circus - 2

Dude looked at FFIL who didn't seem all that impressed. 'Moving now to TV, all the channels have carried our news. Of course most of the footage has gone to Sofia but your face was shown for seven and mine for all of two seconds. But don't you worry, End of TV - 24x7 , the most popular TV channel is organizing a special edition of 'The Big Fight' which will feature Piloo Pahalwan, the General Secretary of Janata Khichdi and yours truly. Kab Tak, is planning to do an exclusive interview with you entitled Andar Ki Baat sponsored by Lux underwear. Sitara One have requested you to come as their special guest for their superhit programme 'The Laughter Champions'. Imagine you will be sharing the dais with Shaker Semen and Navjot Piddu!'

Just then the phone rang and Garam Singh pounced on it. 'Hello! Yes, speaking. Yes, yes thank you, thank you very much. You liked it? Sensational, is it? I am very happy. Of course it was my idea. Thank you.'

Garam Singh replaced the receiver and again the phone rang. 'Yes, haan, bolo. You loved it? Brilliant strategy? Thank you. Yes, yes my idea, thank you.' Singh replaced the receiver, got up and hugged Dude.

'You were absolutely right puttar. These two phone calls were from total strangers, congratulating me on the brilliant strategy of using Sofia to focus attention on Congress Alpha. I think our strategy has really worked wonders.Shabash to both of us.'  

Chapter 5 

It was midnight. Lord Inder was sitting on a swing in his imperial garden with his cell beside him. The cell rang and Lord Inder picked it up.

'Good evening, Lord Inder, Tony here. I just received your email. Was there anything urgent?'

'You scoundrel, you illegitimate son of Brahma, where the hell were you? Your mobile too was switched off? I have sent you on special assignment, not to while away your time chasing skirts.'

'B. . . but, boss, I was. . .'

'Anyway, forget it and listen carefully. I have just had a brilliant idea. I want a lot more information regarding Mera Bharat Mahaan. For instance, what is the education system like and the details about the police, health care, etc.'

'Why, boss? Are you are trying to write a bestseller in which the hero is based in MBM?'

'Don't be stupid. When I take over Hell all this information will come very handy. It will help me in carrying out the administration in a more effective and efficient manner. So instead of wasting your time and energy and my money on females you get busy collecting information and file your report at the earliest.'

'Yes, boss, understood, boss, thank you, boss, good night, boss.'

Unthonee replaced the receiver muttering: 'Sala Buddha, he tries to finger me every time. Now he has once again landed me in a mess. I think I'll have to spend the rest of my life just collecting information and writing reports. My li'l baby Julie must be getting wild with me. I had promised her I would be back in three days and we would celebrate her birthday in Heaven Unlimited's trendiest disco Nach de Bukhaar. But three weeks have gone by and I am still stuck in MBM watching Garam Singh doing a tango with that fat fool Lala whatisname.'

'My poor Julie how much I'm missing her. That bugger Peter has been linemaroing my babe for the last two years. If I continue to neglect her she might switch channels and start responding to Peter's love calls. And if this happens what will I do? Boss has Rambha, Urvasi and Menaka for time-pass. I have only my chweetie-pie Julie. If she too leaves me then I am done for. As it is there is an acute shortage of young women in Heaven Unlimited. If I lose Julie than either I end up with an old hag or become happy and gay like Weak-Ram Seth.'

Unthonee stopped suddenly, picked his cell and started dialing.

'Hey maan, Dude, Tony here. How are you? How is Congress Alpha doing? Listen Dude, I need your help. I want to meet a professor working in some university. I have to make a report on the education system here for my boss. He has been making my life hell. Do you know any professor? Yes, yes, any specialization will do. Yes, please give me his name and contact number. Yes, I am noting down . . . Professor Anpadh Akalbandkar . . . which subject? English? That's great, yes his phone number? 7272727. Thanks a lot. And Dude, please put in a word to him. I'd like to meet him tomorrow. Thanks once again and sweet dreams.'

Unthonee replaced the receiver and started mumbling: 'Now I'll have to contact this Anpadh character. Dude was telling me I'll have to pose as a Ph.D. student. No problem. I'll do just that.'  

Chapter 6

The next morning Unthonee entered the office of Professor Anpadh Akalbandkar. He found a peon sitting in front of Professor Anpadh's room and dozing. Unthonee tapped him on his shoulder. The peon woke up with start and glared at him.

'What's it?' he barked.

'I want to meet Professor Anpadh.'

'Have you taken an appointment?'

'Yes, of course. Here's my card.'

The peon took the card looked at it very intently and said, 'You'll have to pay me commission.'

'Commission? What commission?'

'Give me a 50 rupee note.'

'50 bucks for taking the card inside? With 50 bucks I can buy a pappi from Rambha, Urvashi or Menaka!'

'This money is not for taking the card inside. Do you think I am corrupt or what? The 50 rupee note is for interrupting my dreams. I was in the middle of such a nice fantasy . . . I was in my village Jhunjhunapur enjoying my honeymoon with Pretty Zinta and Nisha Kothewali and . . .'

'Okay maan, take this money and get me inside.'

The peon pocketed the 50 rupee note and disappeared inside. He reappeared a moment later and said, 'Saab is a bit busy. He is very tense. In Sharjah India-Pakistan final is in progress. It's the last over of the match. You can go in after fifteen minutes.' Unthonee and the peon kept glaring at each other. After ten minutes there was a buzz. The peon pointed to the door and said, 'You can go in now.'

Unthonee entered the room. A fat man with a coconut shaped head and cauliflower ears was sitting behind a huge desk. He motioned Unthonee to sit down, looked at the card and said, 'Yes, Mr. Moony, what can I do for you?'

'Sir, I want to do my Ph.D. in English Literature and I would feel honored if you could be my guide.'

'No problem. How fast do you want to complete it - one week, one month, six months, one year or five years?'

'Sir, I couldn't follow. How can I tell you how long it will take? We haven't even finalized the topic.'

'Let me explain. If you are in a hurry and want to complete it in a week's time it can be organized. However, if you are getting a scholarship and free accommodation in the hostel then we can even drag on for five years.'

'Sir, I am in a great hurry. But one week is too much. You must be pulling my leg. How the hell is it possible to complete a doctorate in seven days?'

'No, Mr. Moony, I am not pulling your leg or any other part of your anatomy, I am serious. I have a ready made data bank on every subject. All you have to do is to make photo copies and rearrange the matter slightly. After which we can write down the introduction, conclusion and organize an interview. Now, tell me on which topic do you want to do your doctorate?'

'Relevance of Kama Sutra in the literature of Uzbekistan' would be the ideal topic.'

'Fantastic. A very challenging, thought-provoking and interesting topic. Right away I'll give you two Ph.D. theses, along with a list of books with page numbers as well as the URLs of a few websites. All you have to do is to photocopy the relevant pages from the theses, take a few print outs of the sites and get all these bound. Two days later I'll dictate out the required introduction. A day later we'll fix the interview and the next day you will become Dr. Unthonee Moony.'

'B . . but, sir, this is truly fantastic. I don't think anywhere in the world we have this kind of speed and efficiency.'

Professor Anpadh leaned forward and looking straight into Anthony's eyes said, 'Yes, you are right. But, Mr. Moony, remember Professor Anpadh too is not there anywhere else in the world.'

'Sir, can I now take leave?'

'Sit, sit. What's the hurry? We have to discuss and finalize the terms.'

'Terms? What terms?'

'Money, Mr. Moony. Sabka sapna money, money. For different time schemes the rates are different. For less than a week the rate is two lakhs, for one month one lakh, one year seventy five thousand and for five years thirty thousand.'

'But two lakhs is too much.'

'Then you can take a walk. In my boutique the prices are fixed. No bargaining and no off-season discounts.'

'But, sir . . . '

'No buts, Mr. Moony. You can yourself calculate. Out of the two lakhs, twenty five thousand each will go to the three experts who will form the interview panel and twenty five thousand to my department staff. My take home will be one lakh. Tell me, for all this planning and hard work, is one lakh too much?'

'Okay, Professor, I agree. Now can I ask you a question?'

'Now that we are partners in progress, Comrade Moony you can ask me ten?" Professor Anpadh replied grinning expansively at Unthonee.

'You have have reduced this noble profession to a cut-throat business. Don't you feel any remorse?'

'Why should I Comrade Moony? Teaching is a business and after politics the most lucrative one. I myself was a share-broker earlier and after that a real estate agent. But I found that education is much more profitable. The investment is minimum and the returns prodigious. These kind of returns you cannot get anywhere else except in politics. In fact I wanted to join politics but I didn't since I was lacking the essential qualifications.'

'Essential qualifications? I couldn't follow.'

'In politics if you want to succeed you should have committed at least a dozen murders, half a dozen rapes and some more decent and respectable crimes. I was highly under qualified. I had only a couple of forgery charges to my credit. With this kind of miserable and indecent track record I had no chances of achieving success, hence I got into academics.'

Just then there was a commotion outside. Unthonee could see a huge procession of students carrying placards and shouting slogans on the road.

'Sir, what is all this?'

'This is a demonstration by the students. They want the anti-copying act to be abolished. They say that copying is their birthright. The act, which is denying them of their fundamental rights, is against the constitution. And not only that, they also want a new amendment to be introduced.'

'What's that?'

'They are demanding that there should be no invigilation in the examination hall. It disturbs their concentration, as a result of which they are not able to copy properly.'  

Chapter 7

There was a knock on the door and a middle-aged man entered. He was wearing a coat and dhoti and was chewing paan.

'Come, Gyani, come, Meet Mr. Unthonee. He will be doing his Ph.D. under me. And, Unthonee, this is Gyanendra Saraswatiputra, Gyani for short. For fifteen years he had been in B.A. final. Earlier this year he came to me. We finalised the terms and in six months a miracle happened. The student who had been all set to make it to the Limca Book of Records for failing a record number of times bagged a silver medal for securing the second position in the university.

'Saarji, I have come to you to discuss about this very same silver medal. I am in great trouble. You had promised that you will give me a gold medal and my marriage was also fixed keeping this in mind. Saarji, as you know there is a lot of difference between a silver medal and a gold medal. In the marriage market the gold medal rate is two lakh rupees while the silver medal rate is one lakh rupees. Thinking that I will get a gold medal I took two lakh rupees from my future father-in-law and also spent the money. He is now demanding his one lakh back. He is very powerful. If I don't return the money he will get me castrated,' Gyani said.
'Listen, last time you had the highest bidding of thirty thousand. That is why I promised you the gold medal. But the very day we got pressure from the Vice Chancellor's office to have another auction. In that final auction the VC's sala Chandulal Satyakam bid forty thousand. Obviously he walked away with the gold and you got the silver.'

'But, Saarji, what will happen to me? My father-in-law will skin me alive.'

'I have an idea. If you give me another ten thousand I'll declare you and Satyakam as joint winners. Okay?'

'Ten thousand more. Okay Saraji, I'll try.' Gyani left looking a lot happier.

'My God, sir, you are a great businessman. You should be on the cover of Fortune magazine. But, sir, is everything decided only on the basis of money?'

'No, not at all. In this matter we are very flexible. We accept both cash and kind. Last year I had a student-Basmati Chawalbhai. He was awarded a gold medal. He in turn will be supplying rice, wheat and pulses for a period of five years. There was another student who, like you, was in a great hurry. I completed his Ph.D. in one week. He was the son of that very famous industrialist Chawanni Phatehalkar. He will now supply cosmetics and clothes for my entire family for the next ten years. A butcher Rahamdil Kasai was also my student. Since the last three years he has been giving me the best quality mutton and chicken free of cost.'

'But sir, all this is corruption. Don't you feel guilty?'

'Corruption! Guilty! What nonsense are you talking Moony? In fact, I am preserving the ancient culture and values of this great country of ours.'

'Preserving values? I don't understand.'

'See, Unthonee, in the good old days we had this concept of Guru Dakshina. I have only modernized this great tradition. In fact, I deserve an award for preserving and nurturing Indian culture.'

Unthonee stared at him for a couple of seconds and then slowly shaking his head asked, 'Sir how is the appointment of lecturers done? There too do you have this concept of corruption ' sorry Guru Dakshina ?'

'Yes, of course. We do not believe in discrimination. The posts are auctioned off to the highest bidder.'

'Sir, what about admission to school? I want to get my nephew admitted in nursery in a good school.'

'No problem. My wife and daughter-in-law are running a school ' Smart Kid Public School. He will get admission in it.'

'Sir, what will be the fees?'

'Not much. Since you are now an old and valued customer the rate will be only twenty five thousand.'

'T . . twenty five thousand? But that's too much.'

'Moony, again have started your old refrain. Okay, I'll give you the break-up. Tuition fees two thousand, out of turn admission fees rupees three thousand, the rest for window fund, garden fund, curtain fund, lights and fans fund, washing closet fund, wash basin fund etc. etc,' the Professor stopped for taking a breath and then continued, 'One more thing-do you want to ensure that your nephew always stands first in class?'

'Definitely, sir.'

'Then you'll have to pay two thousand rupees extra, every month.'

'Two thousand extra! But what does that have to do with his position in the class?

'I'll explain. Out of the two thousand the class teacher will get one thousand. She will look after the child. Just before the exam she will leak out the question paper and make sure your nephew knows all the answers. With this kind of creative guidance even a donkey can top the class so there should be no problem for your nephew.'

'But, sir, what will happen later? As a result of this creative guidance the kid will learn nothing and in the board exam he will definitely fail.'

'Moony, now you are talking like a mentally retarded porpoise. During the board exam the examination center will be in the school itself. The invigilators will be all known persons. They will themselves dictate the answers. Once he gets a good percentage, as he is definitely bound to, then getting admission into Engineering or Medicine will not be any problem. For a paltry sum of two thousand rupees per month you can ensure for your nephew a bright and secure future. Tell me, is it not a great investment - better than shares or real estate? For my own kids I have done the same thing. My elder son is an Engineer. I got twenty lakhs in his marriage as dowry. For my second son, who is a doctor, I have already got an offer of twenty eight lakhs, thirty three thousand and seven hundred and the bidding has just started.'

Just then there was a huge commotion outside.

Unthonee could see from the window a procession being taken out. Several old and middle-aged persons, looking like Professors and lecturers, were shouting slogans and carrying placards.

'What is this?' Unthonee asked.

'This is a protest against the new reservation policy. The protest has been organized by teachers. The new policy is really detrimental to our interests. According to the Policy, there is going to be discrimination even in Guru Dakshina. For instance, if the professor or lecturer belongs to the scheduled caste or tribe then the Dakshina automatically becomes double. On the other hand, if the student is from the scheduled caste or tribe the Dakshina gets reduced by fifty percent. If this continues we are doomed. We might as well go back to real estate or share business. And now, Unthonee, please excuse me. I have to lead the procession and deliver a few inspiring speeches. You can come with the cash tomorrow. By the way, I also accept credit cards. Bye.'

Professor Anpadh rushed out.   

Chapter 8

Garam Singh was sitting in his office going through his newspapers when Dude burst in.

'Future FIL, did you see the news on your favourite channel Kab Tak ?'

'No, Dude. I have to deliver a speech in my nephew's college tomorrow on '

Gandhigiri in Indian politics'. I was thinking of some points. Why what happened? You seem very excited.'

'The chief Election commissioner has announced the election date. The elections will be held on 25th August.'

'25th August! Hai Ram! This means we have only eight weeks left.'

'That bald bandit has done it on purpose. To display his power,' Dude said.

'Nothing of that sort. That swine Samaj Sewak must have given him a suitcase or two and Baldy must have mortgaged his morals. Anyways, we must act real fast or else be prepared to write the obituary of Congress Alpha. You convene a meeting at this time tomorrow morning. Call everyone who matters. And don't forget Lala. You go and pick him up.'

'Why, any special reason?'

'Yes, my sources have informed me that Samaj Sewak may try to wean Lala from Congress Alpha. We have to be very careful with Lala. We can't afford to lose him. All the Forward Caste votes are in his pocket.'

'Forward Caste votes? But I thought that the most effective strategy would be to try for the votes of Scheduled Castes, Scheduled Tribes, Backward Classes and the minorities. Even in the US of A all the parties make efforts to woo the minority vote banks like Asians, Jews and Gays.'

'You seem very outdated as far as your political knowledge is concerned. The strategy you are talking about is outmoded now. This is the post-Mandal era. Anyone who doesn't belong to the SC, ST and OBC communities is in a minority. Thanks to Mister Mandal and his band of zealots, only seven per cent of the people now belong to the Forward Caste. As a result, their thinking is like that of the minorities. They harbour the same insecurities, and suffer from the same fear psychosis.'

'I didn't realize that. Any other preparation for tomorrow's meeting?'

'Yes, get hold of the country's top astrologers and the computer people who make poll prediction- what are they called peso' pesofo'

'You mean psephologists?'

'Yes, yes, consult them today itself and let me know their views.'


The meeting began sharp at ten with Garam Singh addressing his trusted band of followers.

'Friends,' began Garam Singh, 'As you know, elections have been announced and we have less than eight weeks before the day of reckoning. We have to plan every nuance of our strategy to perfection. Dude has been doing some ground work and I now invite him to make his presentation.'

'Future FIL and dear friends, on the instructions of my FFIL I spent the whole of yesterday contacting the country's top twenty astrologers and four psephologists. According to twelve astrologers and three psephologists Congress Alpha is going to win with a thumping majority.'

There was a burst of applause.

'Please wait, there is more to come, according to eleven astrologers and one psephologist Alpha is going to be trounced in the elections. This means that we have to be very cautious and play our cards right. Now I have the pleasure of inviting Param Pandit Shri Dhokelal for making his presentation. As some of you might be aware, Shri Dhokhelal is the only designer astrologer in the country. He has had several successful predictions to his credit. He predicted five years ago that the prices of essential commodities in Mera Bharat Mahaan would continue to rise at the rate of 28.067 percent every year. He had also predicted that the number of cases of rape, looting and arson in our beloved country would increase by 37.009 per cent each year and that Indian cricket team's success rate at home would be 9.89 per cent and abroad 5.2 per cent. Friends, please welcome the one and only Param Pandit Shri Dhokelal.'

An old man of around sixty five got up. He was wearing a dark pink safari suit and sporting twelve strings of multicoloured beads around his neck. He bowed elaborately and began speaking:

'Om Ganeshaya Namah! Om Paisaya Namah! My learned friends, for the last ten days and eight nights I have been studying the Janam Kundlis of Shri Garam Singhji and Samaj Sewak. Shri Garam Singhji was born when the Leo ascendant was rising. The Leo lagna gives solidity and strength to the Karmic group of signs and the special qualities of perseverance, grit, intelligence and a scientific bent of mind. The practical aims of karma are united in the Tauraus lagna, bringing one the benefits of one's labour. When Garam Singhji was born Mars was in the tenth house, Saturn in the eleventh and Jupiter was homeless. This augurs very well for the future. His Jupiter will reach home when Garam Singhji enters his seventieth year. And as you all know Shri Garam Singhji will be turning seventy on twentieth August, just five days before the elections. On twenty fifth August Shri Garam Singhji's Ketu will be strangling Samaj Sewak's Rahu. If Shri Garam Singh starts practising sheershasana from eight minutes past four in the morning to eleven minutes past five in the evening on every alternate Thursday then he will become invincible. Apart from this, if he sits in bhujangasana holding his left ear lobe with his right hand and his right ear lobe with his left hand for eleven minutes every day, then no one can beat Congress Alpha.'

'Very good, very good,' exclaimed Lala.

'Garam Singh Zindabad, Param Pandit Dhokelal Zindabad!' shouted the rest.

'Garam Singh, it is my request that as soon as you become Chief Minister you should send Dr. Dhokelal on an official tour to Hawaii, Honolulu and Honduras to propagate the philosophy and practice of Indian astrology,' suggested Lala.

Everyone dutifully applauded and Dr. Dhokelal took his seat.

Dude got up and declared, 'Now, my dear FFIL and friends, I have the honour of presenting before you the top psephologist of the country ' Mr. Apple Computerwalla. This year, on the auspicious occasion of Makarasankranti, Mr. Computerwalla could calculate that out of all the kites flying in our country 33.3 per cent were yellow in colour, 22.5 per cent were blue, 10.33 per cent were green, and the remaining were a combination of all these colours. For this unique achievement the Somalia Government in exile honoured him with the title of Computoroo Patanda or Computer King. Friends, please welcome Mr. Apple Computerwalla.'

Mr. Apple Computerwalla was a tall, lanky person, around thirty years of age, immaculately clad in a three piece suit. He switched on his laptop and said, 'Dear friends, I have been studying the fortune of both Congress Alpha and Janata Khichdi for the last one month. Statistics reveal that out of the seventy districts of Ulta Pradesh there is a swing in favour of Congress Alpha in fifty seven districts.' He waited for the information to sink in and then continued, '84.85 per cent of females in the age group of twenty one to forty three, who do not use any brand of nail polish, will vote for Congress Alpha.'

He looked around and then added, '72.08 per cent of the males in the age group twenty nine to sixty two, who do not shave on Sundays, will cast their vote in favour of Congress Alpha.'

Apple Computerwalla stopped and his fingers flew over the keys on his laptop. After around four minutes he said, 'As a result of my in-depth analysis and intricate calculations I have come to the conclusion that the chances of Shri Garam Singh losing the election are 0.66 per cent and the chances of Samaj Sewak winning are also surprisingly 0.66 per cent.'

There was thunderous applause.

'FFIL, I am sure you remember that during your last visit to your constituency Phatehalpur you had promised to set up 41 centrally airconditioned Computer Academies in different villages. We should nominate Mr. Computerwalla as the Director of this prestigious project,' suggested Dude.

'Sure, sure,' agreed Garam Singh.

'Dr. Dhokelal and Mr. Computerwalla are very busy persons. We should felicitate and then relase them,' Dude said.

Garam Singh draped a silk shawl around them and presented each of them an envelope. The two experts profusely thanked the gathering and left.

Chapter 9  

'After listening to the predictions and analyses of the two learned men I am confident of the victory of our party. To convert this confidence into reality we need proper planning,' Lala opined.

'You are absolutely right, Lala. Now, I invite each one of you come forward with your ideas and suggestions.'

'Since the time is too short for us to plan long term strategies we will have to think of short term tactics. This is the time for guerrilla warfare,' suggested Dude.

'Gorilla warfare? Does he want us to hire gorillas to fight the elections?' whispered a nonplussed Garib Das to Fakir Chand.

'Guerilla warfare, bewakoof, not gorilla. Haven't you heard of guerrilla warfare? The kind your Shivaji used to indulge in against our Aurangzeb,' explained Fakir Chand.

'.. And so, as I was saying, we should plan to malign the present government and capitalize on the negative publicity that is generated.'

'This is a very good idea. As luck would have it, this year Moharram and Holi are falling on the same day. Why don't we engineer communal riots in different cities?' suggested Moong Dal.

'I have a friend in the US of A who specializes in orchestrating communal riots. The recent black versus white riots in New Jersey were masterminded by my him. We can hire him and because of our friendship he will offer us a twenty per cent discount,' Dude said.

'As soon as the riots start and the death toll reaches a respectable number, we can blame the government for its inefficiency and gross negligence of duty,' Moong Dal added.

'My idea is even better,' said Garib Das. 'As you are aware, the milk vendors of our colony have been evacuated to build a shopping complex and a cinema hall. Why don't we start an agitation demanding a separate state for the Dhoodhwalas? We can name the state Doodhkhand, Dahikhand or Shreekhand.'

'My idea is far more potent than any of these,' said Fakir Chand. 'All of you know, there are two very ferocious tribes in Lovely Pradesh ' the Pullingsand he Streelings. These two have been fighting with each other for centuries. My agents have informed that of late there is a fresh upsurge in animosity between these two tribes.'

'Why is that?' asked Garam Singh.

Recently a strand of hair was discovered in a bottle of booze right in the middle of their temple. The Pullings claim that the strand is from the moustache of their idol John Beraham, while the Streelings maintain that the hair is from the armpit of their Goddess Bips Basoo. Samaj Sewak is supporting the Streelings who are in a minority. He is of the opinion that the Pullings have been dominating the Streelings for thousands of years, hence the latter deserve greater consideration and sympathy. We should support the Pullings, maintaining that we do not believe in appeasing the minorities. We should emphasise that we would like to honour the sentiments of the majority community. If we take this stand then all the votes of the Pullings will be in our pocket and Janata Khichdi will be finished.'

'Wonderful, wonderful!' said Garam Singh. 'All the ideas are quite creative and brilliant. Had Chanakya been alive he would have come to you to learn the basics of Koot Neeti. However, there is one problem. To implement these ideas we need time, and friends, time is the only item in Mera Bharat Mahaan not available in black. We should have a plan that will yield quick results,'

'I think the best strategy would be to attack Samal Sewak,' said Lala. 'If he is defamed then our battle is as good as won. Without Samaj Sewak Janata Khichdi is a big zero. It is a one man show. I am familiar with each and every grain of Janata Khichdi. As you all know, till last month I was a minister in the Government. When Garam Singh pleaded with me to help him fight a war for the liberation of the oppressed, suppressed and depressed millions, I couldn't hold back and agreed to join him in his crusade.'

'Lala is, as usual, absolutely right. We should think of a strategy to cover Samaj Sewak's face with high quality dung.'

'I have the idea of the century,' said Fakir Chand snapping his fingers. 'Do you know on May 19, 2005, Samaj Sewak was travelling in Rwanda Airways flight from Mumbai to Dubai?'

'So what? Was he drunk?' questioned Garib Das.

'Did he try to smooch the air hostess?' enquired Dude.

'Was he trying to smuggle brown sugar in his Gandhi topi?' asked Moong Dal.

'No, no, nothing as trivial as all these. I am talking about very serious stuff,' Fakir Chand said, lowering his voice. 'Barood Ibrahim's right hand Bheega Adrak was also travelling by the same plane and was in fact sitting next to Samaj Sewak. Not only that, during the flight Samaj Sewak gave 13 salt biscuits to, Bheega Adrak, he is diabetic you know, and Bheega Adrak, in turn, gave three sweet biscuits to Samaj Sewak. Using this vital information we can prove that Samaj Sewak was involved in the Mumbai blasts, the attack on the Parliament and various other peace initiatives unleashed by Barood bhai.'

'Not bad, not bad at all,' declared Garib Das. 'But my plan has far greater chances of hitting the jackpot. I have a photograph which shows SS and Barood Ibrahim himself sharing nariyal pani in a disco in Dubai. Armed with this crucial piece of evidence we can start a campaign demanding the arrest of SS under TATA ' The Terrorism and Anti-Terrorist Act.'

'These ideas are indeed very good but they will only succeed in damaging SS's reputation, not destroying him. What we need is the ultimate weapon ' a weapon as potent as any bramhastra ,' Dude said.

'Ultimate weapon? Don't tell me you are planning to kill him with an AK-47,' asked Lala.

'By ultimate weapon I mean Woman,' declared Dude barely managing to suppress a sneer.

'When God wanted to evict Adam from Paradise he created Eve. Since then she has served as the most potent weapon invented by either man or God. Right from Uncle Adam to Bill Clinton, no one has survived the onslaught of the fair sex. This is the ideal moment to import this technique to India,' Yuppy proposed.

'Great idea! Are we then going to invite Monika Loo Winsky to Ulta Pradesh? I have been dying to shake hands with her,' panted Moong Dal.

'Relax, Moongji, relax. Don't get so excited. We can't afford her. All of Mera Bharat Mahaan's foreign exchange reserves will be spent in paying her fees. And, moreover, we are committed to encouraging local talent,' Yuppy said.

'Do you have anyone specific in mind?' asked Garam Singh.

'Yes, I know the ideal candidate for the project. Makhmal Malini ' India's number one sex symbol. As you are aware, her last ten films have been superhits with three of them ' Jawaani Ki Bhookh, Pyaasa Man Bheega Tan and Jism Ki Aagl celebrating platinum jubilees. With permission I can meet and try to persuade her,' said Dude looking around.

'Very good idea, very good,' Lala said looking at Garam Singh for support.

'Okay, puttar, best of luck,' Garam Singh said.

Dude touched Garam Singh's feet and left.

Lala got up and warmly embraced Garam Singh.

'Wah! Garam Singh, you are a real genius. What a smart young man you have managed to ensnare for your daughter! This fellow is a real genius. If he manages to convince Makhmal Malini, then our victory is certain.'

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More by :  Ramendra Kumar

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