Theme: Love

Thoughts

by Rupradha Mookerjee
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Your thoughts fill my heart
Like the waves in the ocean,
Like a flute played in a distance,
Like a sudden drizzle in the evening.

Like a walk in the snowfall,
Like a dance in the ballet,
Like the sky of the full moon night,
Like a rainbow amidst the sunshine.

Like a lightning amongst the clouds,
Like a fog in the dense forest,
Like the dew drops in the dawn,
Like the stars in the dark.

Like the prayers of a devotee,
Like a cuckoo’s song in the spring,
Like a rose in a desert,
Like a dream in the lover’s eyes!

18-Dec-2010

More By  :  Rupradha Mookerjee

Views: 1127     Comments: 2

Comments on this Poem

Comment Thank you Sir! I shall keep it in mind.

Rupradha
20-Dec-2010 13:28 PM

Comment
I suggest:

Your thoughts fill my heart
Like the waves in the ocean,
A flute played in a distance,
A sudden drizzle in the evening.

A walk in the snowfall,
A dance in the ballet,
The sky of a full moon night,
Like a rainbow amidst the sunshine.

Lightning amongst the clouds,
A fog in the dense forest,
The dew drops in the dawn,
The stars in the dark.

Like the prayers of a devotee,
A cuckoo’s song in the spring,
A rose in a desert,
A dream in the lover’s eyes!


In the original, the ‘Like’ leading each line is like a fastener, each line so fastened to the poem. It reminds me of when I buy a new shirt, it too is fastened in place by pins, or more likely these days, nylon clips – the shirt is still pleasing, but to wear it the clips have to come off. Likewise, words that act as fasteners are reduced to free the body of the poem. Mind you, perhaps the effect of the original poem is intentional. That's why criticism is so hard to prescribe, and it is left to the writer to have the final say.



rdashby
19-Dec-2010 20:31 PM


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