Comments on this Poem
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@ rdashby
Thanks a ton Sir. Your last response was most helpful. Let me see if I can proceed from here.
Incidentally, 17 syllables.
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Since you ask a question, I feel obliged to answer. I only suggested a change to the last line of the original. Any further criticism of the revised version, like the answering of your own question on behalf of the reader - 'Yes, don't...' instead of leaving out the 'Yes' - would cause you further problems in attaining the integrity of 15 syllables without forcing the sense. Ah well, sir, you do what you think is best. My first criticism is my last.
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@ rdashby
I tried to fix things to some extent. Have I been able to address your doubts?
Thank you.
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@ rdashby
The most important problem with this composition lies in the use of the word "Like". A haiku cannot admit a simile.
Regarding "contradiction", it is deliberate. Contrast constitutes the very essence of a haiku. The intended sense is "eloquent silence", as in "a darkness full of light".
Whether "wordless silence" is a repetition is a matter I need to think over. One could interpret "wordless silence" to mean "a silence caused by the absence of spoken words". This comes close to "Spoken in silence".
I agree, however, that this composition calls for revision and I am grateful to you for the critical comment.
Thanks a lot.
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'wordless silence' is not only a repetition but contradicts 'Eloquent beauty'. To be consistent, perhaps the last line should be: Spoken in silence.
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