An interview with Ms. Crazy Fellows, Adjunct Professor of Speculative Biology at the University of New Social Darwinism.
Dr.Crazy Fellows : Dear all genders, we have just come up with a fantastic piece of evidence, that there is a genetic basis for the behavior of rapists. Our research unequivocally shows that there is a crucial piece of DNA on the Y chromosomes of convicted rapists, which differs from the homologous site of the Y chromosomes of a cohort of non sex offender males, which is the closest normal control available in a gender biased, artificial construct of a subspecies of questionable significants. This proves that there is a strong biological basis for this and other human behaviors. We are currently analyzing the DNA fingerprints of child pornographers, embezzlers, bank robbers, politicians, habitual liars, talk show hosts, television evangelists, journalists and other people with permanent recurrent inappropriate conduct. We suspect that there is a genetic basis for criminality, cupidity and stupidity. We think addiction has a genetic basis and altered receptors for endorphins, nicotine, benzodiazepines and dopamine cause addicts to crave substances just like pregnant women crave strange foods.
We strongly endorse the view that just as the herpes virus resides in neurons in a dormant state, with periodic flare-ups like fever blisters and the chicken pox virus causes shingles, so also a virus called 'Xenophobia' has periodic outbursts in Germany and explains the Nazi era and present anti-foreigner violence. It is very likely, that some of the victims of concentration camps were deliberately or accidentally infected and may explain some aspects of Israeli treatment of Palestinians. Maybe it follows a Kondratieff cycle of sixty years.
I wouldn't be surprised that a prion like etiological agent of a phenotypically similar clinical disorder may be the genetic basis of the persistent Anti-Korean and Anti-Chinese attitudes of the Japanese, which are continuous and have no periodic pattern. It may be why they have a natural disdain for all Gaijin and aversion to American food and baseball bats, which fail to meet the specifications of their genetically unique prions. These prions cause mad cow disease and I think an outbreak has just begun in USA after the heinous WTC terrorist attack. Another virus called Jihad is endemic to the Middle East and generates an obsessive uncontrollable desire to kill oneself in association with the objects of one's paranoia as fellow travelers on this journey to some form of gruesome death. Since the prime motivation for this behavior is a reward of large numbers of nubile women in heaven, as promised by Islam, why don't we exercise the Japanese option of providing comfort women for these suicide bombers, thus aborting their desire to commit the atrocities and collecting their reward here and now. Surely we can promise all the AIDS suffering women free medical treatment with the latest drugs and it would be cheaper than a never ending war against terrorism and far more effective than a smart bomb and even more selectively lethal, with no collateral damage.
To change the topic from mad cow disease and yet stay within a similar group of plagues, we are in the process of mapping the genome of a virus called 'Religiosity'. It has unusual epidemiological characteristics and is seen in a patchy fashion in southern USA, but is also endemic to Kansas, Ireland, Afghanistan, India and Pakistan. Historically, the first outbreak occurred in the time of Moses and again 1500 years later, when the Romans fed Christians to the lions. In that particular outbreak, it is unclear whether the lions, Romans or the Christians, which one or more groups were afflicted, but since we know that British cows got it from unnatural animal feed, it is highly likely that the lions got it by eating Christians and the Romans got it from the lions by an unknown mode of transmission. A recent outbreak in Bosnia was contained by the wise policy of arms embargo by the Clinton administration, which killed off enough susceptible Bosnian Muslims to bring the level of those susceptible to genocide virus, down to a sub-critical level, where the virus did not have enough potential victims to form a quorum for a minyan to continue its kosher existence.
There is a new virus called 'Ideology', which alters the immune system to make it react strongly to certain groups, as manifested in the autoimmunity of Pol Pot to other Cambodians or Tutsis and Hutus to each other. This is what happened in the Gerald Ford era, when after a routine head injury, he ordered a national mass immunization of America, which led to markedly increased incidence of autoimmune Guillain-Barre paralytic disease. We think this virus variant maybe responsible for the rising rate of divorce in America.
Our studies seek to unravel even more fundamental problems. Preliminary unconfirmed data are showing that there are two closely linked genes named 'Personal Responsibility' and 'Guilt' and a large population of the United States has non-effective allelic variants at these sites, so that these two substances are not made in the brains of the affected individuals. This may explain the increasing frequency of personal injury lawsuits. In one tobacco related jury trial against a major tobacco company, the plaintiff, defendants, jurors and judge, who gave testimony and a five billion dollar verdict, were all found to have no trace of the proteins, 'Personal Responsibility 'or 'Guilt' in their brains, when tested by the Southern Blot method. By the way these are all
genetic defects and cast no aspersions on the character of any individuals.
Mr. Skeptic Cynic: Doctor Crazy Fellows, you attribute every folly of human behavior to some genetic defect or virus. With ten to hundred billion neurons, don't you think that we should exercise control and inhibit the overt expression of our own inappropriate proclivities, just as we do in raising and disciplining children.
Dr. Crazy: I would like to add that I also hold a second appointment in Social Sciences and am on the editorial board of the journal 'Pseudoscience' which is published on a tabula rasa. Control is nothing but a euphemism for power. Every relationship is based on power and those who seek to control themselves or others are addicted to power and the exercise thereof. Some direct it to themselves and are masochists and others direct it to others and are sadists.
Mr.Skeptic Cynic: You view the world through the lenses of Foucaultian conspiracy. Don't you believe in love, morality or free will?
Dr.Crazy: We believe that there is a genetic basis for our behavior. Love to us is a secretion of
neurotransmitters, whose effects fade due to tachyphylaxis and time, which desensitizes the
receptors. There are no genes for ethics and free will. These are artificial constructs of dead white males, who have been completely deconstructed. (Drums her fingers, while humming De de derri da da).
Mr.Charvaka: An ancient Indian myth, talks of Panini, the first grammarian being taken by his mother to an astrologer, who predicted an illiterate future, as the child lacked an education line amongst his palmar creases. The child took a knife and made a linear cut longer than normal and said it is by my own efforts that I make my future. The ancient Egyptians have a myth, that after death, the deceased heart is weighed against a feather and only if it is lighter than a feather, the deceased attains the eternal life of heaven.
Dr.Crazy: Don't regale me with myths of some has been Asian or African civilization. Our heritage is Greek. And our philosophy is based on the judgment of Paris, where three goddesses competing for Miss Western immediately exposed themselves in the buff and offered bribes to the judge, who in his unimpeachable erudition promptly accepted sexual favors, while turning down knowledge and power. Don't give me all that Black Athena power stuff, written by some Burnout or Bernal. Just because the cretins or Cretans had their women go topless, collected Egyptian art and periodically went in for human sacrifice, as the mainland Greek Gods cavorted in sexual orgies with sundry humans and animals, while Egyptians wrote serious poetry and pondered on monotheism, is no reason to think that Egypt had any contribution to the civilization of Greece. We all have some remote American Indian ancestor. We may not be ashamed of it, but there is no need to put it on billboards or in our bibles. Don't we have a Cairo, Illinois and Athens, Georgia? So what if the Greeks named Thebes after a city in Egypt. Didn't Columbus name the natives Indians and doesn't our beloved president have a cat named India.
Mr.Doubting Thomas: We also have the heritage of Christianity!
Dr.Crazy: There you go again, raising a communistic anti-Capitalistic Middle Eastern concept like
Christianity. These are the same evil empire that promulgated the disinformation that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. Reliable sources mention that a former wealthy Vice president felt like he was in heaven, just before he died. A rich old billionaire, is said to have been escorted to heaven many times before his death by his young female companions. What do you doubters think? We didn't fall off a horse or tree and break our marbles. Christianity has generally never let decency interfere with what was necessary and if it does, then it becomes an anathema and aberration to survival, which is all that counts. If the biological throw of dice will not eliminate it then it must be excised from the gene pool eugenically. It is our considered opinion, that God, morality, afterlife are the escapist fantasies of insecure humans with a paranoid sense of injustice, a hankering for immortality and an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
Mr. Scathing Critic: What about setting some standards and living up to them, like Socrates?
Dr.Crazy: That is a self-flagellating attitude. We need plasticity of behavior and not binding
constraints, because our goal should be survival. I am also a trained psychologist, psychotherapist and psychoanalyst and I think Socrates had delusions of grandeur and a Messiah complex or perhaps he had been to too many symposia and wasn't thinking clearly.
Mr. Scathing Critic: Plato talked of living an examined life and Descartes said Cogito ergo sum.
Dr.Crazy: You give too much importance to cognition. Why one of our finest presidents, who presided over the collapse of the Soviet Union and made us the largest debtor nation, could for all I know, have had Alzheimer's, while in office, and according to Frances FitzGerald, first there was fire in the lake and then there was a fake, with the country being on automatic pilot in the interim period according to me, without any collisions or mishaps in the course of the ship of state. Survival and happiness should be the only two guiding beacons to steer one's course in life.
Mr.Euthanatos Utilitarian: In an aging society, there are enormous resources spent to keep non-sentient Alzheimer's type nursing home patients and severely brain damaged premature babies alive, free of infections in their catheterized and naso-gastric-tubed nirvana, while otherwise healthy children are given ketchup as a vegetable, in their school lunch.
Dr.Crazy: Young children have no understanding of the future or expectations thereof and fetuses are less capable in brain power than pigs or cattle, so as the noted philosopher Peter Singer says, we should feel no guilt about abortions, but become vegetarians, if we do not wish to metamorphose into specieist Nazis or some such philosophical creatures. Young children have no political clout and are not organizing for their rights, so who is willing to go out on a limb to cater to them. They do not lobby, donate money to political campaigns or have any say in the disbursement of federal funds. I cannot waste my time on such non-entities. What is worse, they may grow up with Oedipal or Electra complexes and other Greek fraternities or sororities, not to mention sundry organ envies and heavy expenditure for orthodontia and college tuitions.
Mr.Utopian Federalist: Every fractious fringe group battling for its own vested interest is tearing the fabric of our society and fiber of our nation and causing political gridlock. What is your vision and what are your beliefs?
Dr.Crazy: We are convinced that all tendencies from homosexuality to criminal recidivism have a genetic basis. We will stem, sell or hypothecate every embryo, until this primitive world gives up sex, which is so yucky, old fashioned and passZ; and converts to cloning and implantation in paid surrogate mothers with union wages, 401k plans and health benefits. They will also get free vouchers for compulsory re-education or the death penalty, whichever is fiscally possible after the tax cut and military spending increase, without raiding the lock box for social security funds, which is currently pawned to cover Dick Cheney's medical expenses and severance package. We believe in survival and our vision is 'Free Lunch'. Our national bird is the cuckoo, for it lays its eggs in the nests of other birds and lets them raise its young by implied threats on its part and assumed stupidity on the part of the host bird. Our generation is 'The cult of the cuckoo'. We believe in neo-eugenics for the affording rich and the devil take the hindermost for the indigenous poor. We will fight the viruses in the environment, extra-cellular or intracellular beachheads, with all means at our disposal, including weapons, which are conventional, chemical, biological and nuclear. The latest addition to our armamentarium is our Anti-sense molecular missile. If there is one policy statement that I can categorically make, it is, that our preferred approach against these rogue states is, the strategic use of Anti-sense molecular biotechnology. God help 'er' I mean, bless America.