To break free of my mind’s prison
I stride into the outside world, wanting to delight
in what gives enjoyment to others. To savour the pleasures
of gossip and idle talk; of ambition and fame
But each time I step out of an inner chaos
the babble of various ‘voices’ confuses me.
All that is, with its life-span of a stray snowflake,
isolates me from myself. I become lonelier
and so dive right back into my solitariness.
Where is that place of light and weightlessness I seek?
It is not in this world of TVs, iPads and social media
Nor can I find it within....That place of joyous serenity
I have caught glimpses of it in the hills –
giant jade Buddhas - that enfold me in their peace;
where the scent of pines is uplifting; the smiles genuine
It flirted with me under the stars in my childhood village
when the white silent face of the moon wooed me.
Today the stars, the moon are lost in this cityscape. And I.
Tormented by my gloomy thoughts I hunt for refuge
In the affectionate hearts of family and friends
But not for long. I begin to solidify once again
in the cavernous freezer of a mighty ego.
Momentary shards of truth illumine the dark alleyways
Only to spin dizzily and be gulped by the vortex of shadows
Unsure, I stand and wait not knowing whom it is I serve
ignorant of my destiny, forgotten by the universe
whose Truth I have been searching lifetime after lifetime
I try to lose myself in the seductive world of words
But now they arouse and hold my passion for only so long
anti-climaxing in a maze of madness I wander thru its labyrinths
seeking to permeate the emptiness with meaning before it
crushes my spirit like a ten-ton boulder would my bones
On and off, my muse disappears. I have to battle it alone
Seeking, seeking, seeking. Except that I know not what
it is I seek so desperately.
What will fill that eerie void that has robbed me of serenity?
*(Portuguese noun for a vague constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist)